Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Dreams While Inside the Bear Trap

Bear trap

Forgiveness is the swan dive of freedom off the cliff of anxiety.
Can we muster the courage?  What if we-
Forgave ourselves
Forgave our partners for dying
Forgave our in laws for not understanding.

Is there a way to grant forgiveness
for transgressions you don't understand?
The search for responsibility: 
to sort the seed from the shaft,
truth from the pain that bore it.

There is power in accepting guilt,
The enticing illusion of control within reach.
Sometimes I can't stand the pain of reality.
Like a cold glass of vodka, soothing its way down the spine:
I delve into the fantasy that his voice is only a phone call away. 

Its a tempting trap.
One that I all-too-willingly step into each time I walk the trail alone.
Every damned time. 
The bear trap of guilt snaps through my bones and entraps my consciousness. 
Keeping my sanity captive until I manage to pry and drag my battered body away.

Limp and bruised I try harder to listen to the warnings and rationalizations:
I did the best I knew how.
It was his time.
There was just too much pain.

But not tonight.
Tonight I write to you with one leg stuck in the trap
and no more energy to battle.
My fingers are chilled and raw.
I have spent every night for nearly a week
flogging myself for each and every mistake.

I see Mike in my dreams,
watch the double hop on his right leg when the left couldn't keep up.
I find him unconscious again and again.
Watch the news of his car "accident" over and over.
Feel the deep emptiness in my chest when he would cry to me for help.

Every. Time. I. Am. Helpless.

I am bludgeoned by a subconscious
replaying each scenario to find a way out.
Like an investigator rewinding footage
in my relentless search for meaning.
If only I can find why,
maybe....

Maybe he could grow up,
Maybe he could breathe deep and laugh,
Maybe it's all a mistake.
Maybe he could be loved.
Maybe he could love me.
Maybe everything wasn't a mistake.
Maybe, just maybe he could live.

Welcome to monthly widowed blog hop. Please stop by my friends and fellow widowed blogger's sites and leave them some love. I hope you enjoyed the piece of my soul that I left for you today, please leave me some love in the comments as well.
With love and light,
Jess


Samantha of the Crazy Courage blog
Janine of One Breath At A Time
Red’s The M3 Blog
Becky’s Choosing Grace Today
Marriott of Miracles and Answers to the Prayers in the Life of Marriott Cole
Christine of Widow Island
Robin of The Fresh Widow
Tim’s Diary of a Widower
Running Forward: Abel Keogh’s Blog
Carolyn at Modern Widow’s Club
Andrea of International Brotherhood of Single Mothers
Tamara of Artful Living After Loss
Jessica at Buttons to Beans
Missing Bobby: A Widow’s Journey
The Grief Toolbox
Ferree of Widow’s Christian Place
From Me to We: A Young Widow’s Journey

7 comments:

Tim Overdiek said...

I love the Vodka reference, in different ways. Cheers to your dreams. At some point that trap will be left behind. And dreams will come true in different ways, maybe better.

celebratedlandscapes said...

Very moving. Thank you.

Red said...

What struck me was:

Is there a way to grant forgiveness
for transgressions you don't understand?

I have known so many who could not forgive because they had no idea what needed forgiveness. Mostly those who could not forgive me for something which was not mine to bear guilt or them to forgive.

Excellent imagery, Jess.
xxx

sr said...

Absolutely took my breath away. Thank you.

samanthalightgallagher said...

I like what you wrote about accepting guilt. That there is some power in it...good metaphor with the bear trap!
Samantha

Just Me said...

Jess,
Thank you for the images that this post gave me, and to be able to know I'm not the only one that has these feelings from time to time.
Anne (From "Missing Bobby...." blog roll)

Virginia said...

Jess,
What powerful and beautiful writing! Your imagery of "the bear trap of guilt" caught my breath. I can relate, remembering times in my life when I've fought feelings of guilt. Thank you for sharing so openly.

Post a Comment

Please wait a moment for your comment to be published. It needs to be approved by a moderator.